A noticeable trend I’ve come to realize over the years through my work as a matchmaker is that people have a tremendous fear that they will end up alone or die without ever having found their soulmate, ideal partner or having children.
It’s understandable given that as humans we naturally crave and seek companionship, but it shouldn’t be a case of it completing us and that without these connections or relationships we don’t feel whole.
I encourage all my clients to learn to love their own company. It may seem like an odd suggestion, given that my clients hire me to match them with their ideal partner, however, it’s a worthwhile trait to have in your significant other. A person who knows how to be alone and enjoy their personal space and solace without feeling lonely is a great catch. They will typically be less, controlling and needy in the relationship, and they have a better understanding of boundaries because they understand how to let their partner have personal time when they need it too.
When my clients realize that it’s not the presence of someone else that will make them feel complete, happy and/or fulfilled, it is such a wonderful revelation to them. Discovering that you can go see a movie, eat a meal at a restaurant or travel solo is a blissful moment to have a break from socializing, and recharge your battery. It also allows you to become more self-aware of your wants and needs, which is an important ingredient to feeling satisfied in your personal relationships.
Since my early twenties, I have always been able to go places alone. I’ll admit I’m a social butterfly, but I learned quickly I didn’t want to have to rely on the company of others to go out and have fun, and that I could enjoy things independently. It makes me sad when people tell me they won’t go out unless they have someone else to join them. That will add up to so many missed opportunities and wasted time. You could be passing up the chance to meet some incredible people.
A few years back, I was having dinner at a trendy restaurant with a girlfriend I hadn’t seen in several years. While eating and catching up, my friend noticed an attractive man dining alone. Her first reaction shocked me, as she announced, “what a loser!” Bothered by her comment I asked her what she meant and why she would you call him a loser without even knowing him. To which she replied, “he’s a nice-looking man eating alone it’s just odd and lonely”.
I was entirely disappointed that she would judge someone and make an assumption about them, based solely on the fact that they were by themselves at a hotspot eatery. More than likely the handsome man was enjoying some time to himself; having a nice meal after a long day and didn’t feel the need to be a recluse and stay home just because he wasn’t on a date or didn’t have someone to go with. I eat out on my own all the time, so it didn’t seem fair to just presume the man was a loser or lonely. There’s something peaceful about enjoying one’s own company, alone, and not having to make small talk after a long day of conversing and socializing at work.
I took the opportunity to explain myself to my friend, who quickly thanked me for the insight. She seemed stunned to learn that many great date-worthy people do things in social settings alone and didn’t realize the advantage and potential of meeting someone if you do.
After a good amount of apologetic giggling on her end, drinks were sent over to our table with a note from the nice-looking man who had clearly overheard our conversation. The note read:
“You told your friend some great and honest insight. I love my own company especially because I travel a lot for business, and there is no way I will sit in hotel rooms and eat dinner coped up. I find that much lonelier”.
True to my explanation to my friend, it’s a great way to meet people; we exchanged business cards and a few days later he became a client.
My girlfriend encouraged by this turn of events, took to doing things solo and discovering the pleasure of her own company.
Fun twist! These two made a great match and have been paired ever since.
We need to stop seeing people who choose to be out and about alone and peg them as “losers” or “loners”. Instead we should be acknowledging that this is a person who is confident and self-assured enough to be unaccompanied. This is a quality and trait we should seek out not dismiss or mock.